Playthings is an adventure for HöL, the family game of balloons, lollipops, and small fluffy mammals. Of course this refers to some really sick and twisted family [Addams? Partridge? Waltons? Jackson?]; the people wielding the balloons and lollipops are psychotic ninja assassin clowns; and the small fluffy mammals want to eat your genitalia. Have fun.


    Spring on Manson IV, the family planet. A time of renewal and growth when the deeds of the past are set aside and the people look forward to a brighter future. When a passing muse hit Christian Beckleman on the forehead with a 9-iron called "Inspiration," he had an idea: seeing himself as a visionary playwright, he set forth to create a drama of the ultimate pedigree. Sure, it would have to be new and original, but damn it, he was a Thespian - of course it could be done!
    He set forth immediately on his opus; a quest for immortality one might say. By the time autumn had drawn close, he had finally finished it. Autumn, that was, six years after he started writing. But now at last he could air what must have been the most wondrous modern production since the staging of Runcible's Stage Worship of an Abbatoir. There was only one small problem: a significant lack of actors.
    Of course, Beckleman wouldn't let something that small stop him. He reasoned that everyone has some small measure of acting talents; how else could he explain the phrase, "I do"? So he advertised for actors. If he could find people willing to take part, then he would fan the flames of their enthusiasm into an inferno to light the whole of the creative universe!

Actors Wanted
To Take Part In
Hard-Hitting &

    But everyone knows that the Emperor Rupert IX doesn't take kindly to free speech and creative thought. Not that many people applied. But some did. Remarkably. Against all odds. Pity them, for when the Enquisition Shock Troops arrived, they shocked everyone. Then they took the group away and put them on ECT. Then, for Crimes Against Decency, the whole bunch were sentenced to incarceration for life on HöL; if you could call that life, that is.


This'll be a list of the characters involved. That is to say the fools without hap who are banded together on that pus-filled boil of a planet called HöL. In case yer wondered, the skills have had the appropriate stat handily added on.

Christian Beckleman should now be a man well known to you. The ins and outs of his life, the nuances of his character, every little tidbit you could possilby glean about his personality should now be laid bare to you like a brick in the face. Basically, he's that thespian blokie that got trapped with a bunch of no-hopers on that island of hurt called HöL. This is a bad thing and he wants off. Fast.

Feral Lad would be a good way to describe this teenager. Filled with all that angst and self-loathing, this boy went off and started living wild. He was attracted by the bright shiny poster, and especially the word controversial. Ever a deviant, Kevin might even last a while with the Sodomy Bikers. Although his communications skills require some work (gurgle, gibber, geep) he could nevertheless be quite some help to the party through his innate ability to survive. Of course, he's never had to face HöL before.

Billy-Joe is a mere child, barely seven years old. Ever the rebel, he would go out and do exactly whatever it was that he had been told not to do. His parents, being dumb, never picked up on this, and so when his fearful mother told him to stay away from that play thing (she wasn't so dumb that she didn't know an Enquisition-fest when she saw one), Billy-Joe immediately signed up. The young impressionable idiot.

So called because he only ever says the word dug, this mountain of muscle has no brain power behind it. Ignorant of the horrors that might await him, Dug saw hard-hitting and was entranced. Fool for shiny objects as he is, Dug got one glimpse of the poster and was set. It's a bit hard for him to change his mind, anyway, since he's only on a time share deal as it is.

Infamous bounty hunter and assassin of a multitude of planets; strong, silent, deadly - that's how you could describe his farts. He, unfortunately, only stands up to the silent aspect. Never will he make a sound, lest his cover be blown. Wen-Kah was in the vicinity of Manson IV and saw the wanted posters. Not being too smart, he didn't figure it out until too late, and got zapped by the Enquisition. Now, he is faced with the task of escaping HöL, or finding suitable employment, and on a planet like this that shouldn't be too hard...

Mrgz- I mean Charles has a secret. You see, he's not human. He's actually an alien from another dimension come to take a look at this one and see if it's worth conquering. He was trying to stay in cognito and had perfected a disguise (he wears a trenchcoat and shades). So far, no one has seen through this most cunning camouflage. Trying to blend in with the human populace, he thought he'd participate in a variety of human activities. Little did he know that being in a play is just plain unnatural. The Enquisition have now taught him otherwise. His naïveté is still evident, however, as he is unfamiliar with this world's customs.

A sneak, a bounder, a blackguard, and a cad. This little annoying thing called Jasper Snidely is an imperial snitch. He had successfully integrated himself within the group - no one suspected a thing - and was about to inform the Imperium, when the Enquisition arrived and, ignoring his futile explanations, banished him to HöL. Serves the wee bastard right. He also sports one of those really annoying moustaches that makes you want to hit him. Argh!

Main Plot Items

Here you'll find a list of a number of different events that could happen to the group in their stay on HöL. This has been designed to be very flexible. These events follow no set pattern, and are all optional. The adventure can be really short, or could be extended into a campaign with the ultimate goal of escape. Like that's likely. Do what you like to the schmucks, but make sure that they suffer.

  • That child of children, that paragon of morality, Led Pighp. Yup; he gets wind that there's another kid present in the form of Billy-Joe Wilkins. If the group feels any loyalty or pity for their youngest member, then they could try to defend him, but whatever happens, make sure that Led gets to shoot his little (!) gun. As another, more horrifying consequence, the blast may miss them but disturb someone far more nasty - possibly Uncle Mickee?

  • Christian Beckleman could call upon contacts in the Dickens Boys, hoping they'll help him out of this tight squeeze. But first they require a small service. Make sure that whatever it is is inately impossible. But that shouldn't stop the fools from trying to do it. And getting dumped upon muchly in the process.

  • The Sodomy Bikers mistake Christian Beckleman for a toy and decide to have some fun with him. The poor man cannot possibly help himself against their leering visages, so the others'll have to help him out. If Kevin Crapp decides to join the bikers, have them try to eat him; or better yet, have them accept him - just before Edgar Sparingly turns up.

  • Dug is attracted by something shiny and glinting, and decides it would make a nice pet. Shame that it's a cricket. The cricket, for some reason, doesn't seem to mind Dug, and happily follows him around. Now everyone will truly learn the meaning of self control.

  • The boneyard! Have the time of your short and messy life! It's just the kind of place where a little kid like Billy-Joe can have a whale of a time, and Kevin will perk up considerably on finding it. In fact, the two of them will insist the others join them - forcibly if necessary. But Wen-Kah will utterly refuse to join in with such childish entertainment.

  • In his capacity as bounty hunter and such like, Wen-Kah finds out about the lost Imperial ring that is rumoured to lie in the Diaper Swamps. He will feel that it is his duty to get the reward offered, and will drag the others along with him. But the hak'challa is only a day or two away.

  • Jasper Snidely has had a long and varied career, and in his time he's helped put away numerous deviants and heretics. Some of the worst of these philanthropists ended up on HöL. If ever the twain should meet, some hasty platitudes and fast leg movements are sure to follow. As will heavy gun fire.

  • As they're ambling along, possibly a gust of wind blows his coat off, maybe it catches and rips on a stray girder. Whatever happens, Charles is unmasked for what he is: an eight foot, invading, green, tentacled, alien monster, called Mrgzyptnmkp. The horror! How can he possibly explain himself as he faces a terminal case of xenophobia.

  • Someone in the party - it could be Billy-Joe, Kevin, or even Dug - starts complaining of hunger, and will only be sated by a burger. Nothing else will do. Eventually the whining will get on everyone's nerves and they'll be forced either to shoot the offender, or make their way to the only Church & Munch branch on the planet, at Lot 249.

  • The party get attacked by a crazed group of bloody thirsty maniacs wielding death dealing weaponry of epic proportions. Yes, I had to get to it eventually. Their choice is flight, fight, or messy deaths. Cast your votes, please.