HöL Instant Adventure Generator

The adventurers are a group of . Their boss, , has sent them to . On their way to completion they meet , , and , and visit . In a final showdown of they . The end...

Well, for all you sick puppies out there who enjoy being bestowed with the hapless title of Hölmeister, feel free to screw your players with a quickie or two, by utilising this curiously titled instant adventure generator. To anyone who thinks it looks familiar: send me mail.

You've got three choices: you can either get out some sort of randomising thing (like a d10, that would be good for this - I know you White Wolf goobers have them - or even a random function on a calculator) and get rolling by using the text-only version below, you can choose the options yourself in the little select boxes thing at the bottom of the page, or you can be all new fangled and up to date by letting the page generate an adventure for you. If you prefer the latter version, just reload or refresh the page, and the red paragraph above should magically transform before your very eyes.

Okay, fun boys, this is how it works: ya got a little bit of text just below, nicely written in bright red, and this is the skeleton of your adventure. You'll notice that there are some numbers in the text, looking like a Boeing at a bullfight - somewhat out of place. This is where you get cunning. There are some tables even further down. These have numbers corresponding to the numbers in the text (convenient, eh?). Each table has ten values. Yes, ten. It was easiest to use a number I felt that you could count to. I may be overestimating your mental prowess, though. Now what you do is to get a number from one to ten (ten sided dice are kinda good at doing this - it's their job) and get a value from the particular table you're interesting in. With me so far? No? Then curl up and die on someone else's web site. You substitute this value for the number in the skeleton text. Repeat until you've got a full bit o' text. There you go. Enjoy. And no smoking.

The adventurers are a group of {1} {2}. Their boss, {3}, has sent them to {4} {5}. On their way to completion they meet {6}, {7}, and {8}, and visit {9}. In a final showdown of {10} {11} they {12}. The end...

Table 1:

  1. Brave
  2. Timid
  3. Stupid
  4. Kamikaze
  5. Furry
  6. Sodomy
  7. Anthropophagic
  8. Cross-dressing
  9. Deadly
  10. Used

Table 2:

  1. Warriors
  2. Squirrels
  3. Mercenaries
  4. Freedom Fighters
  5. Mutants
  6. Bikers
  7. Financiers
  8. Clowns
  9. Assassins
  10. Car Salesmen

Table 3:

  1. an Emmisary of Emperor Rupert IX
  2. a Mad Professor
  3. a Guy with More Money than Sense
  4. a Representative of the Kindred Army
  5. a Fleshtender
  6. Someone with Bigger Guns than the Characters
  7. a Clergyman
  8. a Chortler Supreme
  9. a Faceless Voice
  10. Mr. Big

Table 4:

  1. Rescue
  2. Hide
  3. Destroy
  4. Liberate
  5. Gaze at
  6. Do the Dirty with
  7. Eat
  8. Deal with
  9. Kill
  10. Sell

Table 5:

  1. an Ancient Artifact
  2. Lots of Nuts
  3. Everything they Find
  4. an Imprisoned Kindred Rebel
  5. Mounds of Naked Flesh
  6. Innocent Bystanders
  7. Piles of Steaming Junk Food
  8. a Political Figure
  9. an Evil Crime Boss
  10. Mr. Big's Wife

Table 6:

  1. Rampaging Wästits
  2. Rabid Squirrels
  3. Psychotic 'Bots
  4. a Slimy Tentacled Thing
  5. a Fleshtender Second Skin
  6. Hordes of Wästems
  7. a Cricket
  8. a SNEE Invasion
  9. a Ravenous Necrodoodle
  10. a Randy Jumpslug

Table 7:

  1. a Band of Adventurers
  2. some Nortons
  3. Annihilation Inc. Workers
  4. Kindred Army Rebels
  5. some Fleshtenders
  6. a few Sodomy Bikers
  7. some Cannibalistic Accountants
  8. Enquisitors
  9. the Dickens Boys
  10. a Handful of Slug Handlers

Table 8:

  1. Uncle Mickee
  2. the Spud
  3. Led Pighp
  4. the Revenant
  5. the Man with No Näm
  6. Edgar Sparingly
  7. Pope Man
  8. Elvis
  9. Death
  10. Tool

Table 9:

  1. Uncle Mickee's Lair
  2. the Diaperswamp
  3. the Boneyard
  5. Mount Yamotha
  6. the Forest of Painful Mutilations
  7. Lot 249
  8. a Sauna
  9. the Rooftops
  10. the 'Heaps

Table 10:

  1. Epic
  2. Anticlimactic
  3. Lucrative
  4. Doomed
  5. Furry
  6. Defiled
  7. Tasty
  8. Humorous
  9. Terminal
  10. Mechanical

Table 11:

  1. Proportions
  2. Expectations
  3. Destruction
  4. Finality
  5. Beginnings
  6. Horror
  7. Leftovers
  8. Antics
  9. Death
  10. Garbage

Table 12:

  1. Heroically Conquer
  2. Get Squished
  3. Win, but Perform 'Unsatisfactorily'
  4. Win a Pyrrhic Victory
  5. Get the Shaft
  6. Get Laid
  7. Bite the Big One
  8. Get Shat Upon
  9. Kill or get Killed
  10. Succeed, but Get Lost

Okay then, here's the slightly tarnished 'select-an-option-from-the-little-boxes' way to get yourself an adventure. The random function generator looks just a tad smoother than this chunky bastard:

The adventurers are a group of . Their boss, , has sent them to . On their way to completion they meet , , and , and visit . In a final showdown of they . The end...

Right, that's yer lot. You can go back now. And wipe that smirk off your face, too - people are watching.