the HöLmeister's Guide to the Universe

Here y'go: have yerselves an alphabetical list of planets and suchlike for use in HöL "campaigns" - I use that term as roughly as is inhumanly possible, I hope you understand that. Of course, it'll be rare that the characters ever manage to get of HöL's surface, but if they ever do, keep them running. Until they die.

This list is constructed of any planets I could find by reading through the HöL rülbooks, and quite a few made up by me. All donations will be gratefully accepted and duly credited. Keep grinning - you'll die soon enough.

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Acumen IV: The tenure planet. This illicit outpost of fine literature lays hidden almost entirely beneath an abandoned wal-mart living exclusively on malted milk balls. The planet's second moon is called In Brief.
Aquarium IV: The watery planet. Lawyers of this world are still locked in embittered court cases with Mr. Costner over some well and truly breached contracts...
Arkle IV: The big planet. Fantastically surreal, and so is just like any other planet, really.
Asahara IV: The aum sweet aum planet. "I've a little gas right now, could you come back later please?"

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Betty IV: The relapse planet. "I used to be a Heroin addict, now I'm a Methadone addict." "I'm into leather."
Bigtop IV: The nothing to see here planet. Move on. The planet's first moon is called Freak Show.
Big Tuna IV: The fuck you planet. If you're truly Wild at Heart, you'll fight for your dreams.
Blomiwad IV: The extra-tissue planet. NO MOM! I'M JUST READING IN HERE! Onan be praised!
Brentford IV: The suburban planet. No one can predict what might next occur, in this shambling mix of peoples, places, and downright things.

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Carpenter IV: The walrus planet. Tusks, whiskers, blubber, and a good time had by all!
Chastity IV: The nun better planet. A planet of all nuns, plus the infamous Penthouse Pet of the Year Nanna Gibbson, who lives in the main monastery. [courtesy of Malekite]
Chatham IV: The golf till you croak planet. Monumentally boring.
Chic IV: The best planet, the best way. Yellow rainslicker, shades, and video membership, you've spent your life behind the beads.
Corinthian IV: The leather planet. A world begun by a group of genetically engineered upholsterers after their shameful exile (Rupert was nonplussed by the velour toilet seat). The Angry Nova gang patrol the area around the planet.
Cosby IV: The pudding planet. Raised on one of the harvest platforms above the churning sea of mindless waddling foodstuff, there's nothing you don't know of the Wästem.
Cringe IV: The epiphany planet. When the Priest-Emperor of Ishtar challenged even the Gods that he may join them, the arrogant bastards saw a kindred spirit in him and said, "Sure, why not?" Since the Catechism, a Golden Age has ruled over the enlightened populace, and woe betide any newcomers who may be unclean...
Cuddly IV: The hamster planet. Born into the sparkling labyrinth of the habitrail.

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Dalai IV: The llama planet. A member since birth of one of the only recognised, openly pagan religions in the confederation. The COW doesn't think it has much to fear from followers of a cyborg llama card carrying priest - ah, little do they know!
Detca IV: The general Markov planet. The pace of life on the planet Detca IV is fast and furious, and the inhabitants suffer from many stress-related illnesses. This, coupled with the population's almost manic desire for junk food, has resulted in life expectancies in the low 20s. The Government runs a comprehensive health service, including a free undertaking service for those unfortunate enough to die in state hospitals. Detcavians are hospitalised at the first hint of illness. For any Detcavians that die while not in a state hospital, the grieving family must pay for a private firm of undertakers.[copyright Institute and Faculty Education Limited, a subsidiary of the Faculty and Institute of Actuaries]
Doily IV: The laced up planet. Kinky to the highest degree, the inhabitants of this planet charge only the highest prices - and worth every last chit.
Duct-Tape IV: The gerbil planet. They say there are a thousand and one uses for the stuff, and that's before you get to rodenti frigida. The planet sports fur-lined bars.

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Elbow IV: The ass planet. Encircled by the twin moons of Shit and Shinola, often confused by locals.
Eldritch IV: The uncharted planet. None have yet to tell tales of the planet's surface in truth.
Epitaph IV: The final frontier planet. As close as you can get to Höl without severe mental disturbance, and it's still only half way there from the centre of the COW.

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Fab IV: The beetle planet. Insects were the sphere of study for the scientists on this station. The seemingly endless variety of species. Rumour has it that they have gone even further, and that unnatural goings on do occur. Some even say they have 'perfected' the insect form...
Fabio IV: The beefcake planet. You felt you had to go before you were forced to take I Can't Believe it's Not Butter ads.
Falos IV: The d-cell planet. Legendary machinators of Rupert's three-speed shock troops, the Warmtroopers.
Famous IV: The clichéd planet. Populated by all manner of annoying child prodigies. So much so, that all indigenous animal life, especially those that might suffer under the torture known as "Pet" all fled in the most amazing migration seen since the likes of the flights of the Blind-Birds [brds?].
Fishy IV: The adventurous planet. Home to the great mansion and sprawling grounds of Bob's worshippers.
FOR HER I CAN BE... A HERO!!! IV: The tight planet. A lot of hunch backed guys running around in purple spandex, all with a hero complex. [courtesy of Malekite]
Fore IV: The golf till you rolf planet. Five continents of golf holes, enough to delight the most burgeoning of players.

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G IV: The spot planet. Sisterworld of G-Whiz, the beaver planet.
Glampire IV: The dork ages planet. The place to where Deadguy ran off to, in Derek Meister's Necropolis: HöL.
Gullible IV: The innocent planet. Man, you're lucky. That one's not on this web page.
Gumby IV: The python planet. Home to a sect of renegade clowns, led by the eminent Professor Montgomery Python, the Flying Circus are not a force to be laughed at...
G-Whiz: The beaver planet.

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Hammill IV: The typecast planet. At birth, you are contractually obliged to be in a remake of Corvette Summer.
Höl: The human occupied landfill. Nuff said...
Holst IV: The planets planet. No stranger to violence, as you have had to defend your family and culture from Williams and his pirate horde.
Hug Me IV: The porcupine planet. A sad example of science gone awry, in which a docile species with no natural predators was introduced to an ecosphere where the dominant lifeform was a small, slow, Vienna-sausage like creature. The home of the rightly famous Hug Me IV Nationalist armour.

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Inglenook IV: The volcano planet. Toasted marshmallows anyone?
Isosceles IV: The magic module planet. Here it lies! Resplendent in glory! O, to be a clone spore!
I.V. IV: The medical planet. With an A&E ward the size of a small country, if you really need fixing up, here's the place to be. (Was that a complete cybernetic enhancement you wanted, sir, or simply a new organic one fitted?)

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Jackson IV: The planet that should have been V, but Michael had to go off and do The Wiz, and between you and me, I think he and Diana had something goin' on.
Jagged IV: The sharp planet. Possession of a Sodomy Biker Leather Diphthong is punishable with being dragged naked over the shattered glass plains of this planet.
Java IV: The bottomless planet. Construction base of the 500 year project, the Ringdiner - a seemingly infinite coffee counter encircling the sun.
Juniper IV: The djinn planet. Arakis, Dune, the Desert Planet. Look, at least you can make one Hell of a lot of sand castles here!

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Keloid IV: The scar planet. A monument to the ideals of industry.
Kelpie IV: The sea horse planet. Who would have thought that underwater dog trials could have been so exciting? Now a major ratings holder on the networks.
Kirk IV: The paunch planet. What... are you... doing on my planet? Set phasers to "shake and bake". [courtesy of Malekite]
Kobold IV: The rap planet. Though most of the older generation believe that the government of this world neglected to place the "c" in this planet's reason for fame.

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Light & Leisure IV: The purple planet. Nigh infinite square footage prices to sell sell sell!!!
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch IV: The ! planet. Ulp!
Lowenbraü IV: The here's to good friends, tonight is kinda special planet. Fuck that shit! Pabst blue ribbon!

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Manson IV: The family planet. Though happy in early life, you were unceremoniously deported for suggesting the high-school fund-raiser be a Roman Polanski festival.
Manwich IV: The meal planet. Formally Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco planet, the canned meat revolution brought tyranny to the justice that is beef.
Mentos IV: Der freschmökker. Hey, it could be worse; at least you weren't born in the highlands, where all they do is shout Rii Cola!!
Meta IV: The paraphrased planet. What other place would have a satellite called the Blue Moon.
Metamorpho IV: The fucked-up planet. At the very mention of the word "Metamorpho", any and all inhabitants of this planet (sentient and non) can instantly change size (bigger or smaller). [courtesy of Malekite]
Muffet IV: The spider planet. So who are those "Drow" folk again?

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Nodose IV: The cord planet. String is a very important thing. Rope is thicker, but string is quicker.
Nuku'alofa IV: The Tango planet. The native population of Nuku'alofa, worshippers of the Orange God, believe that the islands house all manner of creatures... The first moon of this planet is called Frijji
Nunatak IV: The freezer planet. Ice. More ice. Cold blowing snow storms. More ice. Ice. A bit of frozen water. Oh yes, there's ice as well.

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Ognom: SNEE imperial palace. Home of Prince "Albert" Dratsab Ybbarc.
One-Two-Three IV: The testing planet. Home of the most famous bands this side of Tufnel IV.
Orlando IV: The retirement planet. Publishing site of the widest circulated vidsheet, We Control the Government.
Oz IV: The emerald planet. The wizard that rules the land is said to be both wise and powerful, but then clichés always are.

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Pink IV: The only fucking professional planet. Learn to fucking type.
Pithecanthropus IV: The Homo erectus planet. Truly, the Java Men brew the sweetest blends of coffee you ever did see.
Presto IV: The hey! planet. The creatures that inhabit this world live in a different state of time. That's to say, they're somewhat faster than anything else.

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Quark IV: The cheesy planet. Now my good man, some cheese please. Yes certainly, sir. What would you like? Well, how about a little Red Leicester? I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir. Oh never mind. How are you on Tilsit? Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it first thing on Monday. Tish, tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of Caerphilly, then, if you please, stout yeoman. Ah, well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir. I was expecting it this morning. Yes, it's not my day is it. Er, Bel Paese? Sorry. Red Windsor? Normally sir, yes, but today the van broke down. Ah. Stilton? Sorry. Gruyere, Emmental? No. Any Norwegian Jarlsberger? No. Liptauer? No. Lancashire? No. White Stilton? No. Danish Blue? No. Double Gloucester? ...No. Chesire? No. Any Dorset Blue Vinney? No. Brie, Rocquefort, Pont-L'Eveque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleue, Perle de Champagne, Camembert? Ah! We do have some Camembert, sir. No matter. No matter. Hand over le fromage de la Belle France qui s'appelle Camembert, s'il vous plait. Think it's runnier than you like it, sir. I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with all speed. Yes, sir. Oh... What? The cat's eaten it.
Quatro IV: The fun ta be with planet. Night-clubs, bars, pubs, party houses - the list goes on, and so do the populace. "Sleep? What's sleep?" A world of perpetual night, and endless happiness.
Quinquennial IV: The five year planet. Once every five years, this planet appears for the briefest of periods, before disappearing into obscurity. Those that go with it are often never heard of again...

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Radio IV: The plumber's planet. Under their leader, the great Baker, they will bring music to the masses, whatever their race, creed, and sexual preferences are!
Raygun IV: The where are my pants planet. Dimetri, I'm just as capable of being sorry as you are!
Refried IV: The pull my finger planet. All right, fine, yes it's a gas giant. Oh, the shame...
Rube IV: The sucker planet. Encircled by chrome asteroids.
Rubic Cube IV: The Scott's planet. The home of the most feared of all trimbles, ruled by the mighty box collection and their mother's brain. [courtesy of Scott Wallace]

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Salsa IV: The meaty planet. You may not agree with the principles involved, but the idea sure seemed good to start with.
Siberia IV: The ice planet.
Sol IV: The red planet. Scientists believe life once existed here, due to the presence of canals on the planet's surface, but it's in such an ancient backwater of space that nobody who was anybody would care to live there. The nearby third planet of the system is a wasted rock.
Soreback IV: The sciatic planet. "Oh, my back is killing me!" There is a giant fault line running through the middle of the planet, and no one can fix it because they all have a sore back. [courtesy of Malekite]
Spank Me IV: The monkey planet. Started as a science colony back in 594, to prove that, left to their own devices, a community of monkeys would publish The Bridges of Maddison County. But so far, they've only turned in a rough treatment of a Flowers in the Attic book.
Speedo IV: The package planet. Known throughout the COW's postal underground for their swift skill for wrapping packages so tightly, you can damn near see inside 'em; and their well greased swim-meets.
Sporran IV: The kilt planet. Home of the wild haggis, as it roams across the heathered hills, searching ever searching for the next victim to drag down into its foetid lair. O, beware the doleful cry of the Bana Sidhe as it comes over dale and glen, for its wail bodes only ill for the good folk of the land.
Starsky IV: The hutch planet. Actually, named so only recently - no clear cut winner has emerged from this war-embittered world, and you, born to the Rockford Fileans, fled.

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Tableau IV: The funk planet. Funky!
Tblisi IV: The George planet. There just seems to be an awfully large occurrence of Georges here!
Travolta IV: The disco planet. In a grand elliptical orbit, Travolta IV and its population only unfreeze every 5 years as it passes near the sun.
Tufnel IV: The planet that goes to 11. The official haberdasher of the royal family. Tufnel IV used to go to 12 before the third/second grade of 692AR when hordes of stockpiled gremlins, rodents, gargoyles, rabid giant space squirrels, and vampires named Steve, all created using the Making Friends skill, clashed in full battle. Now, use of the Making Friends skill is punishable by being sent back in time to Tufnel IV where you repeat second grade.

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Uliginose IV: The inscrutable planet. Swamps filled with wee mystics who could teach you the arts of wielding swords of every kind and unlock the secrets of your inner mind. If anyone could be bothered to trudge through an endless swamp, that is.
Upas IV: The insidious planet. Enemies of the COW, these people spread the heretic word of the false Java - the poisonous brew of the Upas is a force to be feared.
Uraeus IV: The planet of serpents. Quetzalcoatl; Set; dragons of all kinds; Uther Pendragon; Vlad Dracula; Babylon - and then there's Wayne. Yes, Wayne. Raving mutant dragon beast, 'ruler' of Uraeus IV, and all of three inches long. Gosh. But at least he's got a planet.

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Varicella IV: The chicken planet. This joke is very fowl.
Vavasery IV: The vacca planet. To call this planet a puppet of the COW would be true. Rupert has his hand so far up their posteriors he could tickle their tongues. But then again, the brown-nosing bastards do get lots of favour because of it.
Vergina IV: The holiday planet. A popular vacation spot for those who can afford the time.

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Walrus IV: The carpenter planet. And there came the lowly son of a carpenter to that place, and he did play the music of his ancestors, and those of that place didst say, "truly is this the music of God. He must be close to you..."
What IV: The apathetic planet. Oh, I can't be bothered to write a good description.
Whodunit IV: The butler planet. The finest exporter of fully trained service staff. Also supplier of 73% of the COW's ropes, pipes, and candlesticks.

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Xeric IV: The arid planet. It's a bit bloody dry! According to the most detailed scientific surveys, there exists no water at all on this world. If any is introduced to the atmosphere, it seems to mystically disappear... Powdered toast anyone?
Xian IV: The terracotta planet. The famed terracotta warriors whose armour can withstand all but an even slightly strong force before shattering into so much red rubble.
Ximinez IV: The cardinal planet. Oh yes, you will talk.

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Yashmak IV: The modest planet. No, no. We're not famous for anything, I'm afraid. Sorry.
Yggdrasil IV: The botany planet. Plants are the speciality of this scientific outpost. Now almost a quarter of the full-time staff on the surface include sentient plant life.
Yoni IV: The calmer karma planet. Inner peace and tranquillity through frantic tantric sex rituals. Yes...

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Zauberflöte IV: The mason planet. A haven for covert organisations of every type, information is more expensive than the next man's life.
Zen IV: The bike planet. If it has two wheels, they've got 'em.
Zymurgy IV: The hydroxyl planet. Brewers of the land, especially famed for their production of the Sprout Vintage.


That's yer lot. Don't forget to send me your own cosmological creations.

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