Well that's a bit of a tough one. Secrets of the Universe, you say? Hmm. Let me think about this for a while. It's funny you should ask, actually, because I was thinking of putting something about that on my website, you know? Under the help section... Oh. That's where you've come from, is it? Damn. I must have done that and then forgotten about it. More fool me. How can I help on that front? There is no such thing as a truly wise man (and that's man as in mankind, if there's any smirking women reading this). At least you didn't ask for any advice about life - that's even tougher to help with. Let's get this over with then...

Secrets of the Universe

How can you get access to the Secrets of the Universe? Many people have tried different methods over the past five thousand odd years, with varying success. Those about whom most are known are those who expounded their theories to the most people. Everyone wants the Secrets of the Universe, so if one person says that they can get them, they tend to attract ardent hopefuls. This activity tends to the formation of secret societies. Secret, since they obviously don't want everybody and their cat to have access to the Secrets of the Universe. Societies, because they become a close-knit group. Secrets are hard to keep, so members let their friends know, who subsequently join, expanding the ranks of the society. If the society is a bit arse, it tends to break up over time, and the ex-members get a bit embarrassed about the affair, preferring to keep quiet about the whole thing. But, on those rare occasions when someone has a really good idea for a society, and lots of other people agree, then you get something rather special - a Secret Society. Secrets spread. They travel like a smell drifting in the breeze. Secret Societies become less secret as spreads that ever-accompanying factor, rumour. In time, the best societies become common knowledge (examples; the Freemasons, the Rosicrucians, the Ordo Templis Orientalis). Now I should like to differentiate between someone who seeks the Secrets of the Universe in a casual way, and someone for whom the pursuit is their whole life. I shall refer to these groups of "ardent hopefuls" as hangers-on and Seekers (note that the more prestigious group gets a capitalisation - a common trait in such power games). Seekers "know their shit". Apparently. Some of what they know gets filtered down to the hangers-on, and hence gradually joins that great body known as common knowledge (which I would capitalise, but that would just be silly). There exists, then, this wealth of lore concerning the workings of the Secrets of the Universe that is, essentially, the science and art of a Seeker. This is known as the Occult (which means the hidden, quite appropriately). Now here comes the careful distinction. Occult knowledge known by a true Seeker will be worth something. Occult knowledge known by a hanger-on is worthless. Why? Well, if you had something of immense value, you wouldn't give it away free, which is essentially what hanger-on Occultism is - scraps of stuff that looks good, but isn't, to keep the great unwashed unhappy. No, to give something of true value away you'd have to be mad. "But these Seekers seem a bit barmy to me," I hear you shout. Not so fast; here is my reasoning. I didn't say that this good Occult knowledge had true value. An idiot may well give away a fifty pound note, believing it to be a useless bit of paper, but here is the key: belief! What you believe has worth, you don't give away. Therefore, the knowledge available to hangers-on, the knowledge that is given away by Seekers, must have no worth to the Seekers. Since they, by definition, "know their shit", it must indeed be truly worthless. That seems logical to me. It may not be precise, but it's roughly correct. The point that I'm trying to make is, common Occult knowledge is worth just two things; Jack and Shit. Why have I ranted all of this at you? Well, if you truly want the Secrets of the Universe, you won't find them in a commonly available source. You won't find them in obscure Occult tomes (if you can get your hands on them, they're too common). You won't find them in Secret Societies (Seekers don't share with lapdogs). Occult knowledge is just so much time-wasting bullshit. So, what I'm basically saying is, you're on your own. I could have said that from the beginning, but this way I hope you'll believe me. The answer isn't love - that's not a secret. The answer isn't in religion - those are just Secret Societies that got way too big and lost their secret status. Conspiracy theorists are paranoid. No one can give you any help. You are alone.

Well, that's it. You've had my two cents' worth. You can now bugger off. And don't come to me looking for the Secrets of the Universe. I'm not sharing them. The only hint I'll give you is to read Umbert Eco's Foucalt's Pendulum. Learn.